You’re Not Alone, Mama: A Real Talk on Maternal Mental Health
This week was Maternal Mental Health Week! And as most moms will tell you, being a mom is hard! Not only are you handling your OWN physical, mental, and emotional changes. But you are now fully responsible for the physical, mental, and emotional well being of a brand new little person. Not to mention, you are juggling all the societal pressures and expectations that come along with being a mom.
The best way I can describe it is like in the scene from the Barbie Movie when America Ferrera’s character is explaining what it’s like to be a woman.
Love being a mom, but don’t talk about it too much.
You should definitely stay home, but don’t you have bigger aspirations?
Love your new mom bod, but ehhh you should probably start working out soon.
Self care, take breaks, take care of you, but hey who’s taking care of the baby right now?
It’s all so much! And honestly more nuanced than we would like to admit. It’s not black and white. Sometimes people forget you can have multiple emotions at the same time. You can be both okay and not okay. You can love being a mom and feel utterly overwhelmed and exhausted too…that’s okay.
So on this Maternal Mental Health Week, I’d love to share some of the things I struggled with as a new mom and still struggle with today!
Sleep Deprivation - Whoever came up with the phrase “sleep like a baby” needs a talking to…
Now let me preface this by saying that my son was not a “natural sleeper.” At 3 months, our son went through a sleep regression. He woke up nearly every hour and I could not set him down. He would only fall asleep and stay asleep if he was latched. The second I tried to set him down, he’d scream. This made life extremely difficult. My husband couldn’t really even help, like he was before, because all our son wanted was to be latched onto mama! I remember crying to my pediatrician that I needed to sleep and she told me that because I wasn’t working, that I’d be okay.
I wish I could give some great advice on how we got through this, but I don’t remember. Honestly, I just didn’t sleep that month! Things got better once we started sleep training.
Sundown Scaries - Similar to the Sunday Scaries where you don’t want to start another week of work. Except it’s every night from the moment the sun goes down to the second it comes up.
Between witching hour(s) and the 3-4 month sleep regression, this was a rough time. Panic would take over my entire body as I prepared for another evening of crying and cluster feeding followed by a night of attempting to sleep in an upright position with a baby attached to me. Again, I don’t know how we made it through. I think baby wearing and accepting defeat.
Mom Guilt - I’m sure every mom can relate to this!
I felt such extreme mom guilt. I’m not exactly sure how to explain it but I think I felt extra mom guilt because we struggled with infertility. Anytime I had any even a slightly negative feeling or frustration towards our baby, I felt like, “how dare I…” Of course, I know now this wasn’t fair to me. No matter how much you love your baby, how much you wanted them, how much you would do anything for them. It’s completely normal to feel frustrated. Being the primary caretaker for a helpless little human who doesn't know how to do anything is hard.
Anxiety - Again, this is a totally normal thing to feel as a new or a veteran mom.
Even as justified as these things were, looking back at now I have to laugh a little. I’m grateful it never truly obsessive!
I used to sleep with my hand in his bassinet so I could feel him breathing.
I was so scared of leaving him alone in the car… and of course, I mean leaving him alone for the whole 4 seconds it would take me to walk from his door to my door.
I couldn’t leave him in another room, not even for a second! Thank goodness we have an open floor plan downstairs and I could use the restroom with the door open all while seeing him clearly in the pack n play right there in the living room.
I was also literally so scared of him getting a flat head. Am I doing enough tummy time? Was that car ride too long for him to be in the car seat? I need to remember to put toys on both sides of him while he’s playing so he moves his head back and forth a little.
Loneliness - Even with the most supportive village, you might still feel alone.
While I was physically present when we went out places, mentally I was all focused on the baby. Sometimes it was stepping out to breastfeed at a family gathering, or maybe going for a solo walk to rock the baby to sleep. This made engaging in outings difficult. When we went to dinner I’d always have my back turned trying to entertain him or keep him seated in the high chair. And forget going to fun outdoor places, I’d be isolated from the group chasing our new walker all around. Any and all of these things made it difficult to be a part of the conversation, resulting in so many feelings of loneliness.
While it’s so easy to slap a smile on and say positive things when someone asks how you’re doing. It’s much more important to be honest and open about these things. I’m not saying when the lady checking you out at Target says your baby is cute and asks how you like it, you need to spill to her. But my hope for all moms is that they have at least a few people they can be totally honest with! And if you don’t, I hope you find this and know you’re not alone in anything you’re feeling, and most importantly…
…you’re doing a good job.
And if you do feel alone, please check out these resources from the Maternal Mental Health Alliance.