The Girl I Used to Be: Why I Left Teaching

My personal recounting of my life as a teacher and when I realized I had to get out.

A little different of a blog than I usually write, but I was inspired by the TikTok sound going around called “Who Am I” the lyrics sing, “The girl I used to be in 2017, honestly I hardly recognize”

Most videos are of girls “glowing up” or some moms showing their life before and after kids. I’d seen it so many times before, but one day it hit me that 2017 was the year I was in my teaching credential program and now I’ve been out of teaching for about 2.5 years.

Getting Into Teaching

When I was younger, I always wanted to be a teacher. I looked up to my teachers and thought the profession was so much fun! I got my bachelors degree in psychology and went on to get my teaching credential. I worked in teaching for 7 years.

When I started, I was young and naïve. I believed the best in the system. When I started in my program, I had a mix of experiences. One mentor teacher was someone I never wanted to be like and the other was someone I modeled my own teaching after.

I was lucky enough to be hired from my very first interview! I spent all summer buying décor for my future 3rd grade classroom. I would’ve spent all summer prepping, but I had no idea of the curriculum until about a week before starting the year.

I faced many challenges in my first year teaching. I worked with a teacher who didn’t want to collaborate, we didn’t have any curriculum that matched state standards, and I didn’t even have enough materials for each student. I was staying at work until 9pm nearly every night prepping. Despite this, I felt excited! I chalked all of that up to it being my first year…everyone’s first year is hard! It will get better, especially now that I’ve made all my lessons and have all my materials for next year.

The Reality Hits

Que the grade level move. Onto 4th grade I go. I have to say this year of teaching was probably one of my favorites by far. I had an amazing teacher to work with, I looped with some of my 3rd graders, I had my first year under my belt, and the 4th grade curriculum is so much fun!

Little did I know, it was going to be these next few years that broke me. We cycled through countless principals and assistant principals making it nearly impossible to build a community at our school. I was paired with a teacher who bullied his students, did drugs, and refused to pull his weight. I had my best teacher friend leave because the new principal was giving her the silent treatment for reasons I still don’t know. I taught through COVID shut downs. I pushed through my own personal struggles.

I remember taking a single day off when my grandpa died. I couldn’t take off more than that. With virtual teaching still being present, no subs were trained on the virtual programs so I needed to get back to it. Looking back, grieving the loss of a loved one while sitting in an empty classroom, being unable to interact with students or other teachers was so extremely isolating. Not to mention the fact that so much of the world was still shut down. There also seemed to be this boom of people having babies during COVID. So while I was struggling with infertility, I was surrounded by pregnant women constantly asking me when I was going to have a baby.

You can imagine, I began to feel I needed a change. I was unsure what a former teacher could do for work. I applied to jobs at businesses that built curriculum. I looked into what it would be like to teach at a homeschool or charter school. I finally decided transferring to a different school in the same district would give me a semi-fresh start. I made this decision early on in the school year and kept it to myself.

New Beginnings

I’m sad to say on the last day of school, my smile was bigger than the day I got hired. I was ready to leave that toxic environment and start fresh….or so I thought.

I loved my new school. The classrooms were different, the buildings newer, the principal so much more supportive. But of course, the year wouldn’t be so easy, right? I was paired up with not one but two new teachers. Actually one new teacher, the other an intern teacher. This meant she was still taking classes, she wasn’t credentialed yet. We needed teachers so badly, they gave a class to an uncredentialled student to learn on her own. No mentor teacher was there helping her. I felt for her. She was amazing, it was just a lot.

I never imagined my last 6 months teaching would be the worst I’d ever experienced. I have never had a group of students so rude, so disrespectful, and entitled. I had students look me right in the eyes and tell me simply they weren't going to do the work, “I don’t have to” they’d say. And to be fair, they were right. These kids were in kindergarten when schools shut down. They hadn’t been required to turn in any work in almost 3 years! I had nearly half of my 3rd grade class reading at or below a 1st grade reading level.

The COVID Impacts

I sometimes wonder what teaching would have been like had we never gone through COVID shut downs. I’m not a political person and I’m definitely not well versed in healthcare. But what I believe 100% to be true, is that students who missed out on years of quality in person education (especially those in low income areas - like my district) will never recover.

I’ve always had a small handful of students who struggled with their math and reading skills, it’s to be expected. And I was always able to help them.

COVID, changed this. There was only so much we could do in those years behind a computer screen. Daily, I’d have half my class log in and half of that make it to the end of the day. I think maybe 3 students were completing any work at all. When we did come back to in person school, we were told not to look into any student who was severely struggling. They told us simply, “We don’t have the resources to test that many kids.” No intervention classes, no reading lab, no special education testing, no way to help these kids.

Any teacher will tell you, we are not qualified to diagnose learning disabilities. But, any experienced teacher will also tell you, we know who probably has a learning disability. After working one on one with hundreds of students, you start to recognize patterns of typical and atypical learning. So this means, I had students who I felt would only succeed if they were given more targeted help and I couldn’t do anything about it. I had to continue to try to serve them all while not having any district provided teaching material at their level. I was buying letter and number flashcards at Target and “stealing” the kindergarten curriculum to copy worksheets, just so they had something to do all day.

My Thoughts

I went into teaching so excited, so ready to help, so willing to do anything! And year after year I was beaten down. The spark, the joy, the love was sucked right out of the profession.

While I still hold so much love in my heart for my students, I feel teary eyed when I think about the kids I couldn’t help…the kids I was told by administration to leave behind.

It wasn’t just administration that ruined teaching, it was the parents too. I’ve been guilted into offering free after school tutoring, scolded for giving consequences to students who stole from me, cussed out through a fence, called a racist for telling a mom her daughter couldn’t read, been made uncomfortable by coworkers, told by a parent I was horrible for making her child do his work, and called unprofessional by a parent for getting pregnant.

I gave my all to teaching and it was never enough. I was on multiple committees, I was team lead, I went to district trainings, joined curriculum building teams, even gave up my classroom for a week so that a team could test out a new experimental curriculum that ended up going nowhere. And I know so many teachers do the same. All the extra work isn’t really the problem. It’s the fact that #1 - it's for no additional pay and #2- it becomes expected.

It’s always the same few teachers, while others aren’t even asked. Honestly, I think those teachers are really the smart ones. They know their impact and they found a way to position themselves so that their only focus is on their own classroom.

I could feel my personality being sucked out of me. When summer would come around, I’d quickly regain my spirit. I didn’t notice it at first, but once I did…I knew something was wrong.

My Exit

By this time, I was pregnant. I said my plan was to take my maternity leave and then come back, but I knew that wasn’t true. My real plan was to take off in January and apply for homeschool and charter schools at that time. I thought something like that would be a better fit and still allow me to be with my son most days.

When I actually found myself in a position to not come back after my maternity leave, I felt like I could finally breathe again.

After the school year completed, I headed to my classroom to clean it out for the very last time. I brought my son, my husband, and my mom. We sorted through all the materials, packing the things I’d bought into boxes. My husband loaded the car while I rocked my son to sleep in the middle of the empty classroom. The posters were off the walls, the desks stacked in the corner. I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. For the very last time, I turned off the lights and shut the door behind me. Tears came flooding to my eyes. This chapter of my life was over…at least for now. All the years, all the effort I’d put into building myself up as a teacher were done. On to the next phase of life.

Today, I work for my parent’s construction consulting business and bring my son to work with me every day. I am with him 24/7 and while that’s a whole different level of exhaustion, it’s also a divine level of revitalization. I thank my parents everyday for the opportunity they’ve given me to be able to be with my son. And I move forward with life, every so often looking back, squinting to remember the good.

My heart will always be with teaching and I have so much respect for teachers. But at this point in my life, I’m happier.

Disclaimer: I know this isn’t everyone’s position in life, I’m forever grateful for where I am. I’m simply sharing my experience and speaking truthfully about what I’ve encountered in the field of teaching and how I chose to make my exit.

I also want to take a minute to shout out the amazing teachers I’ve met along the way. Tiffany and Erin, you may never see this, but please know you both helped me survive as long as I did. Tiffany - you were empathetic, kind, helpful, thoughtful, and taught me boundaries. You picked me up after my crazy first year and gave me the confidence to keep going. Erin - you were my guiding light in teaching. You were one of those teachers who really wanted the best for every kid who came through your door and you fought for them! Thank you both, I wish you nothing but the best in life.