“Manifesting Pregnancy?” The Harm in Oversimplifying Fertility
To the woman who said all you have to do is manifest...
Not Everyone Needs a Podcast
The other day I was scrolling my phone, catching up on the latest nonsense Tik Tok has to offer, when I came across a video talking about a podcaster. Apparently a well-known podcaster was sharing the details of her pregnancies. The person on my screen explained how she used to really like this podcast host but after this episode, she would no longer be listening. I immediately headed to the comments. I see a comment section filled with other women giving more details about what was said. I clicked on her name in the search bar to see for myself.
“I don’t think I would've gotten pregnant had I not told myself my womb was ready to get pregnant”
“I manifested my pregnancies”
“Being unable to get pregnant is due to a blockage between your mind and body”
“People who share their infertility stories are fear mongering”
“We don’t ever hear about the success stories”
My jaw hit the floor, this was a joke. No person thinks like this right? Nope, she was serious. Another video shows an additional woman nodding along in agreement. Again, I opened the comments. To my pleasant surprise there was a flood of women telling her this was not it, that it was in poor taste, that she was off base with this idea.
I shrugged my shoulders, saying to myself “not everyone needs a podcast.”
I closed the app and kept going about my day, but her words continued to ring in my ears…
Hours and even days later, I come across more videos of other women reacting to these statements. So, I thought I’d weigh in.
Obviously there are many aspects of what she said that are problematic. What I’d like to dive into, is this idea of manifesting. I think it’s the most harmful. It so closely resembles the statements we’re always told when we open up about our struggles to get pregnant.
“Just relax”
“Stop thinking about it so much”
“You just have to be positive”
While these statements seem like harmless bits of advice they actually do some intense damage. It tells us that this is our fault, that it's something we can control, or something we’ve done to or brought upon ourselves. Which we know isn’t true…but it’s hard not to let your mind go to this dark place.
What is Manifestation?
Let’s talk about manifesting. I did some googling…
Manifesting is the act of using methods like visualization or affirmations to help you imagine achieving something. It is the belief that doing this will make it more likely to happen. Manifesting is based on the idea that you can make your dreams a reality. Manifesting is NOT a magic wand and is NOT about receiving specific outcomes. While manifesting can lead to external rewards, it’s more often focused on cultivating inner peace, self-love, and alignment with one's values.
So my interpretation of this definition is that manifesting is something you can do on a daily basis to get yourself into a certain mindset to live a certain kind of life. Let’s think of an example…
Maybe you want to be more confident. You say daily affirmations, take time to reflect, and eventually you find yourself moving about the world with more confidence. This therefore makes your life better for a variety of reasons. Maybe people take you more seriously at work or in dating so you find yourself overall becoming more successful. In this case, then yes…you manifested yourself a successful life.
Do I think you can manifest yourself a car? Not necessarily. You wake up every morning, you tell yourself you’re going to have a car. You surround yourself with people who have cars. You even go so far as to make a vision board with all your favorite cars plastered all over it. Is any of this going to manifest a car? No. You didn’t make any changes to your financial planning to be able to afford a car. The car isn’t just going to become yours one day because you manifested it. This is NOT what manifestation is.
I think that’s where “manifesting” gets used incorrectly. In my googling I found an article from Psychology Today where they described manifesting as having many positive effects but also varying negative effects. It’s a short yet interesting read that delves into the idea that manifesting is a tool to shift your mindset. However, it can also potentially lead to negative thoughts and self-blame. Kind of like what I was discussing at the start. Insinuating that all you have to do to get pregnant is tell yourself you WILL get pregnant puts the blame on the woman or the couple.
My Own Experience
In my own experience with infertility I struggled a lot with blaming myself and questioning my relationship with God. While I don’t think I was trying to necessarily manifest a pregnancy, I was doing things that would fall under the “mindset” umbrella. I prayed every single day. I not only prayed, but I begged God. I’d plead with Our Mother Mary, repeating her prayer over and over until I fell asleep. I’d get a negative test and convince myself it was still too early and proceed to take many more in the days following. I’d convinced myself every symptom I had was a baby growing inside of me. This was a huge factor in the decline of my mental health. I’d always go back to the idea that I simply wasn’t good or worthy enough for it.
With my second go around, my mental health is better. While I still struggle every day, I’m in a better headspace. I know it’s not my fault and I know how to pull myself out of the sad moments. Something I simply couldn’t do before.
Final Thoughts
If you are someone out there struggling and this is the content you are being bombarded with, you have every right to unfollow, block, and ignore. This is a disgusting and insensitive stance to take. You have every right to share your own experience. But to make statements insinuating that women who can’t get pregnant can’t do so because they don’t have the right mindset is wrong.