How Infertility Affected My Body Image
Body Neutrality...A mindset shift that saved my self esteem
A little Background
For a long time, I had a pretty decent view of myself and my body. I danced my entire life. Like any young woman I went through phases of how much I liked my body, but I’d always end up with a mindset like…
“I like my body!, Look at all it can do.”
I understood that sure, I could have more muscle, but also the body I did have allowed me to dance multiple hours every day, multiple days a week! I fit into the clothing I wanted to wear and overall felt at peace with the body I had. I worked out, ate whatever I wanted, and rarely felt tired from daily activities. For most of my life, my body did exactly what I wanted it to do…dance.
When I became an adult, got married, and wanted to have kids…that’s where this kind of shifted for me.
When we couldn’t get pregnant I felt like my body was failing me. The body that had always supported my wants and needs was now NOT doing what I wanted it to do. I was confused.
Soon enough, we did get pregnant with a little help from our fertility doctor and I loved being pregnant. It was the most beautiful I ever felt. Finally my body was doing what I wanted it to do and I was proud of all the changes that came with it. I was prepared for my stomach to get squishier, my boobs to get saggier, and my overall physical abilities to struggle a little more.
Of course, postpartum I struggled trying to dress my new body, finding what size my body actually was, and learning to dress in ways that felt comfortable yet flattering. But again, this was all worth it, because I was a mom. I knew I had changed inside and out.
Where the trouble began
When we decided we were ready for a second baby, I really thought… “okay, we’ll get a little help again, my body will change again, but it’s all for the better! I’ll be pregnant, feel amazing, and have a baby. I was aware these next several years were for building our family.
When things didn’t go exactly to plan and we ended up doing two rounds of IVF, I saw more changes in my body than ever. Yet, still no baby. I had the struggles of gaining weight, feeling bloated, and limited physical abilities without all the fun of knowing a baby was coming.
Fertility meds are no joke! There were times when I was so bloated and none of my jeans fit. But again, no baby on the way. I wore baggy clothes just to feel comfortable, but then started to feel bad because well…I didn’t look or feel “cute.” Every time I tried to wear something I used to feel good in, I felt uncomfortable.
What Is Body Neutrality?
This is when I found body neutrality.
Body neutrality is the idea that your worth is not determined by how your body looks — or even how you feel about it on a day to day basis. Instead of forcing yourself to love your body through all of it’s phases, it focuses on allowing you to simply exist in it without judgment.
How did it help me with my Infertility
For me this kind of meant, “Okay, I don’t have to love my body the way it is right now, but I will respect the fact that this is how my body has to be, to get me through this phase.” I knew it was normal for my body to change the way it did going through IVF and that was going to be okay. I don’t have to look in the mirror and be in love.
Your body does not have to be exactly as you want it to deserve care.
It does not have to perform perfectly to deserve respect.
And it does not have to “succeed” at pregnancy for you to still be whole.
For me, body neutrality became a mindset shift I HAD to make during infertility. It removed the pressure to feel positive about my body while I was grieving.
Some days I didn’t love my body. Some days I was angry at it. Some days I felt disconnected from it completely.
Body neutrality told me I didn’t have to force anything, I could simply acknowledge that my body was going through a lot.
For me, this felt like a more realistic take than body positivity (at this time).
Why adopt a Body Neutrality Mindset?
I’m never going to sit here and tell other’s how to feel or what to do. But part of the reason I started this blog was to create a space where I could share what I’ve gone through and hopefully someone will relate. That’s how I feel about this. The idea that someone is going through infertility hating their body, is heartbreaking to me, but understandable. So if me sharing this idea of body neutrality can help at least one person, that’s all I’m doing it for.
If this seems like something that could work for you…great! If you’re the type of person that can learn to love your body through the hard times…great! If you want to curse your body…well not great, but I understand that feeling, and it’s okay. Sometimes we have to ride it out, feel our feelings, and then figure out how to move on from there.